Toxic VAAP

Christian Parenting and Toxic VAAP

Pastor Hope Pastor's Blog September 8, 2022 3 Minutes

As Christian parents we are faced with many challenges both internal and external, and it takes willful tenacity to navigate social, cultural, and spiritual waters. Yet despite the many influences we face, we can be sure that the Word of God remains an anchor for every aspect of life. With the expansion of technology, the accessibility to various ideas and parenting approaches can be endless and daunting to navigate. It’s no easy task figuring out your own parenting style and position and making that congruent with the personality and identity of your child or children. No one really knows beforehand what to truly expect despite the many sessions of advice that we get through books and loved ones. Yet, the Word of God provides for us a framework that gets us started on the proper path to completing this call to leadership that will last our lifetime.

I want to start off by saying that parenting is not a partnership, but a leadership role that requires discipleship. I know that culturally, a call to partnership is everywhere, they are filled with mantras like: “by-in and take-aways”; but Christian parenting reflects and models the salvation relationship we have with the Father. If leadership is a challenge either in authority, accountability, or responsibility, now is the time to become strengthened as you prepare to embrace this rewarding task. Children are a reward from God, and if properly led and discipled, they can become highly effective believers in the Kingdom of God. It is not our children’s responsibility to share in the leadership task, it is ours, and we must embrace and grow as leaders as we lead our children. If you face distrust, hatred, or fear of authority now is the time to seek God about overcoming this hurdle and discovering how leadership promotes safety, consistency, and healthy love.

If we are discipling properly according to Mathew 28:18-20, then we are charged with teaching our children to obey all that the Lord has commanded. This requires knowing and living to the best of our ability, the Word of God. Training and teaching as hypocrites send mixed messages and erodes the confidence of disciples. Perfection is not what we are after, but we should lay hold to Christ-like maturity, growth, and progression. No leader has it all, but we should strive to meet the needs of those we are serving according to the will of God. This requires a healthy and mature prayer life that will allow us to hear the voice of God and discern what is His will for our children. It also requires investment and involvement. Time with our children should be enjoyable and productive. Every leader has goals, and discipleship has a focus and purpose…. salvation, equipping, and multiplication according to the will of God.

Despite the fact that obedience and discipline have been attached to words like abuse and control; discipline, obedience, respect, authority, correction, rebuke are all components of salvation and Christian parenting. Shrinking back from these foundational components can lead to dysfunction, and may open the door to compromise of integrity, respect for God, and your parental leadership. Hebrews 12:11 and Proverbs 3:11-12 says no discipline feels good at the time, but the results are spiritually and personally rewarding if we are trained (with) by it. Many may seek to hijack your leadership role and authority in your child’s life, but you must remain vigilant even in the face of social persecution.

Lastly as a Christian parent you must make spiritual and emotional maturity a priority. The immature cannot lead children. Immaturity opens the door to VAAP. VAAP stands for validation, approval, acceptance, and praise. When a leader seeks these from improper places, namely those they are leading, this is a sign of immaturity and possible irresponsibility. Leadership will often include making unpopular decisions, isolation, rejection, complaints, rebellion, desertion… all of which Christ encountered with His leadership. There can be no compromise with the integrity and commitment to the goals set by God in parenting leadership. If you are seeking VAAP from your children, take note of how Christ led His disciples, He never compromised on the goals of the Father. We are to lead in the same way. The blind cannot lead the blind and our children are worth our greatest efforts and productivity both spiritually and emotionally.

In closing, here are just a few points to throw on the pile of parenting precepts. Love is expressed in validation of value and worth, this is separate from approval – which is expressed in support. You can love your child and not support their decision. Your children are of equal value to you as people, but they are not your peers. Being passive is not the same as being loving. Rebuke, correction, and appropriate consequences are not abusive or toxic. Telling is not teaching or training. Punishment is necessary but its goal is to prick the conscience not break their spirit. Finally, even when you grow weary, remember your children are worth the investment of time, prayer, and sacrifice according to the will of God.